Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
