Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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