Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
