Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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