We're facebook friends in real life
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Two words: blizzard sex
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize