So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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