so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
