i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
