Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
