I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
