I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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