When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
