i would punch a child for taco bell
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
