Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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