Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You did what with his pubic hair?
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