Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
