i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
