Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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