she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's rum buckets o'clock
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
