Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
