This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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