I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just forgot I was standing up.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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