Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize