I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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