So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We named our party play list daddy issues
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
