jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize