I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
