i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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