So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
