be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
