Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
