i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
