Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
