get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
