All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
