the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
