Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
