Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
