I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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