there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
