There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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