i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
