those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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