Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
