your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
