He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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