Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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