Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
