I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
