Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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