They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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