So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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