Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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