The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
