Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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