sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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