I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
