I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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