You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
