wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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