good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Pooping to opera.
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