i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you will always have a special place in my vag
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
